Thursday, 24 March 2011

Bernie is Stoopid. Just Sayin

Written by Prospector.....

Our dog Bernie Loves us, which is great - except for when she farts or runs next door for a visit, then we don't love her.

Her favourite sleeping spot lately is under our bed. I read in a Fung Shui design guide that bad energy builds up if you put your bed on a solid base, so we have a nice four-poster frame with boxes of wine bottles propping up the slats that are supposed to hold the mattress in place. I won't go into detail on how the slats broke, but its not as fun as you think. Anyway, the system works well, and it's pretty efficient. Light some candles, grab a bottle of wine, - oh wait - we share our bedroom with a newborn, baby chicks, and yup, Bernie. The candles and wine never happen.

Anyway, Bernie sleeps under the corner of the mattress by my feet. Well, her tummy does. Her head sticks out on my side of the bed, and her feet stick out at the foot of the bed, and her paws kinda hug the bedpost. You with me so far? Good.

Now I dunno about your 2 year old, but ours wakes up about 3 times a night to cry. No for any good reason, just to cry for fun and exercise. When that happens, it is my lot in life to jump out of bed and run upstairs to cuddle. Only Bernie, well, Bernies head anyways, is usually placed exactly where my foot lands as I jump out of bed. Vith vigour.

So, landing squarely on her snout, and pulling off the "shimmy-twist before I hurt you, while falling over the dresser ending in a half-gainer" move, I play dodge-dog in the dark trying to get to the bedroom door without waking SWMBO or the baby, or the chicks with whom I share my bedroom. Bernie seems to understand that we don't want to wake anyone, so she does her best to help. Shocked out of her sleep she immediately stands up, cracking her back on the bed. Then she tries to back out from under the bed, smacking her head off the bedframe. Realizing the bed is (hardly) behind her now, she reverses gears and puts it in forward, clocking her head a second time. By now she is fully awake, and her tail is going 90 miles an hour, beating the side of the matress with a loud "whump, whump, whump." The neighbours have asked if we heard the helicopter.

Once Bernie is out from under the bed, she bravely runs for the bottom of the stairs to see if she can beat me there, and create a second tripping hazard. She is sometimes successful since I have been hobbled by twisting my ankle while trying not to step on her face. Now I get to repeat the face-step avoidance manouevre. I scramble/sprawl up the stairs, arrive at Buddy's bed, comfort him and turn to head back to bed. This is like spinning the crown and anchor wheel.

Did Bernie lie down at the bottom of the stairs to wait for me? Is she on the living room rug? Is she back under the bed? Is she at the front door waiting to come running? You spin the wheel, you take your chances.

The nice thing is that once I am back in bed, I know it will only be a matter of minutes before she takes up her post at the foot of the bed again, and starts snoring. Or Farting. Dog farts in the night are the worst.

I also know that at least once in the night she will want to be let out to go pee. When that happens she will come up and rest her head on the edge of the bed, so that her face is 1.74mm from mine, she will pant twice, then poke with her nose. Have you ever been woken from your sleep by dog breath with a wet nose chaser? Believe me, it is exactly as fun as it sounds. If I don't get up instantly, she will once again beat the side of the bed of her tail until I rise up in submission. Then she will go outside to pee.

Everyone knows that at 3AM the most fun you can have is playing with a dog, so after she pees, she will do that stretch your paws way out with your butt in the air thing while she looks at me, wags her tail and pants. I will grumble, she will run back and forth in front of me. I'll turn around and go back in the house, and then she will come up and paw at the door 'cause she wants to come in too.

5 minutes later I'll get the nosepoke again - she didn't poop. Plum forgot with all the fun she was having.

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